Give it Some Edge

Really dig in to life.

Attempt to grasp the things of substance. Grip hold of them. Don't let them go.

I feel I have 'killed' the aggressiveness inside me. Or, at least, held it at a distance for so long that now it appears foreign to me. I must reclaim it.

Through what mediums should I retrieve my anger, this mighty driving force?

- Writing: the written word has transfixed me. I seek to learn from the wordsmiths before me. I wish to harness vocabulary so bend it, twist it, to create worlds around and within me. I learned the word 'sagacious' yesterday, meaning wise and knowledgeable. It's another way of expressing these sentiments, yet the 'feel' of the word, the characters and the sounds together, has a certain force; a certain 'oomph.' To master vocabulary, grammar, sentence structure, and narrative-style (that is POV, verb tense, etc.) is to evoke in the reader a sensation of being touched, of having been transported into something beyond them, or deep within them. This magic is possible by studying the art of the written word, and appreciating the nuance of common language.

- Sport: badminton, mainly. The court is the battleground for narratives akin to war to emerge and persist freely. Refined muscle movements, becoming evermore precise, meet the full capacity of the other competitor - a winner take all fight, a dual between those giving their all. They leave it all on the court, as if their lives depended on it. That's the feeling - the sense of mortality. Sprinkled into daily experiences, it gives one's existence a significance. Knowing that this will, one day, end encourages the person to compete like no other. Their life does depend on it. Some people don't know this, and others know it only too well. They are compelled to live, addicted to exerting themselves (meaningfully), and this is what I aim to do. Badminton, and sport generally, orient me towards the knowledge I can be maimed yet can also do the maiming, inflicting an effect on the people and things in my world. This is power, this is life.

- Voice: I had my first singing lesson today. I realized I am louder than I believed possible. I had constructed my life around silence, I being situated as the quiet and calm one. It was advantageous, sure, but I had greatly restricted my expression... to the point where I believed I had no expression to give. Yet in voice, along with the other mediums, I now know there is a lot to give, share, revel in, bask in the glory of. No longer needing to apologize for self expression. The songs I have chosen are 'Casey's Last Ride' by Johnny Cash and 'My Way' by Frank Sinatra. I learned I'm a bass. I learned my range. I am becoming acquainted with my breath, diaphragm, head voice, the dimensions of my skull, where my chest voice breaks and falsetto begins. I am training my vocal chords to 'blend' the chest and falsetto transition a bit more, so it's not a stark difference. I am eager for the lessons to continue, ready to own my voice, for the first time in my life. I have never before felt assured in the expression of my voice, I always felt it was too much to handle. But people are handling me, receiving me warmly, with gratitude. I'm going to keep showing myself, brazenly, boldly, and articulate every goddamn sound that comes out of my mouth, which emanates from deep within me. I shall speak with every part of me, every inch of my body and mind tuned to the note I play. My performance will be a symphony. I will conduct, of course, yet nurture every instrument in the orchestra. I will bend my ear, listen closely to each minute sound, and perk up when I hear something off-key. With care, I will bring the pieces into harmony, and wave my baton gleefully as I watch the music unfold. I'm ready to face that music, this music within me. I have waited long enough - and, boy, have I gotten sick of waiting. It is now, the time is now, and I will feel the fullness of my desire. I will expand myself, seeking to create anew in every moment. I am extending myself, always venturing into No Man's Land and living to tell the tale. I am n cosmonaut, and I shall keep the rocket full of fuel in my pursuit of distant lands. Many planets are ahead of me, of several colours and sizes, and I'm ready to claim them all - or at least plant my flag, as the mark that I've been here. Ever expanding, like the universe... Where is the edge? Tell me where it is... I shall always push against it, refusing to accept the limit and restriction. Unchained, unbroken, unparalleled adventurer. That's me... Maybe I should be singing 'Rocket Man' instead?

Sexual Life: isn't it obvious?