Can Anyone Find Me Someone to Love?

There's this feeling within me that I'll attempt to describe.

It is an irritability with a panicky nature. It is faint yet very noticeable. It is a sensation of wanting to do something, of wanting to go somewhere, but not having a clue as to what or where. It is hopeless and anxious, energetic yet despairing. I feel this often, have felt this often, over the last year and a half, and I have yet to find a remedy to my ailment.

It feels like it pertains to social connectedness, or the lack thereof. The feeling, if it had its target, would propel me to speak, to crack a joke, to have an effect on another person. It would compel me to show and share myself with others, and allow my personality to resonate within another. I, the quality of me, would be received, felt and radiate within the other, and be transmitted back interwoven with the quality of the another. A dance takes place here, a mingling of personalities, and the generation of a co-created space, an intersubjectivity, playfully ensues. This is source of this anxiety of mine, this propulsion to do something. But where are the people? Who are these friends? And what do I do, on my own, when they are not near?

Is it a good or bad thing to need other people? No one can say. It just is. This necessity just is. There may be extreme degrees to which people depend or remove themselves from others, and this is likely indicative of some psychopathology, but other people, in the final analysis, are essential for a person to exist, persist, and endure. Where are these people though? I feel abandoned. Or maybe I have contributed to the abandoning, exiling myself? It's not so certain what is the case, what has happened. But what I do know, what I am hyperaware of, is that this feeling within me calls for me to share/speak myself with others, to be received (in hopes of being received), and feeling that 1) the influence of me goes somewhere (that's maybe where I would like to 'go,' that is, into the body/mind of another person, who happily takes me in), and 2) our characters, our existences, can be intermixed and intertwined with each other in this beautiful dance of an attuned, caring conversation. A dialogue. Two bodies/minds resonating - sharing in a feeling of beingness and becomingness, of familiarity and novelty. Constant creation together, and laughs and tears throughout the journey.

Writing this does something for me, gets some of these feelings through, but again, it only goes so far. Nothing, I feel, can substitute the authentic rejuvenation of an embodied dialogue, a sharing of souls. I am going out tonight, to a pub/club, and I hope to find some of that today. I am unsure how it will go though - don't typically do this often. But to share in this with other, to find another that wishes for the exact same thing, whether they can articulate it or nor, that's the most fulfilling experience I can imagine. Two persons, hitherto completely unaware of the other, meet and greet each other, and find such playfulness together in an instant, an ever-developing instant. Time ceases. There exists an infinite spaciousness. And two persons, now friends, share in the bliss together. Over a drink, of beer or coffee, over some food, hell even a cigarette will do. The associated action of taking in something concrete facilitates the action of taking in something psychical, emotional. So cheers and bottoms up. Let's spark up (another conversation AND a joint), and let ourselves loose, surrender our vulnerabilities and rigid tactical positions, for a newer stance, a dance of uncertain wonder. We'll catch each other if one might fall, and we'll laugh through the night in synchrony. Have I ever told you about the one where two people walk into the bar? They become friends. And they remain friends. It's unknown where their paths will take them, but they'll share in the good times together. That's for sure. They'll allow for each other to share in those moments. They'll do it together, happily.